Today’s my birthday. I usually love my birthday, even if it does signify getting older and all that goes along with that. This year, I’m not as enthralled as I usually am, even if I am only 29! I refuse to divulge it even in my own home because my son is a blabbermouth – no chance of his learning my real age until he’s at least to this point, so I will always ever refer to myself as 29. Though he’s likely to remind me that now I’m 30.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve finally reached the point that I don’t care anymore, the day is no different than any other, or the fact that I’m approaching a milestone that I really don’t want to approach. Maybe it’s because I still need to lose about 30 lbs. and start working out regularly, like I used to (curse you Curves, for closing all the damn locations near me!), because I need to start feeling younger again. Or maybe the fact that I now need glasses and will be getting them in a week or so is hitting home. The tests the doctor wants me to take. Hey, other than the standard female things, when did I start needing a doctor regularly, damn it?
Lately my 16 year old heart has been feeling more 30-ish and that can’t be a good thing, can it? Somehow, it bugs me. I want to hold onto my youth and keep partying like I did when I was 19, and I find it’s not so easy anymore. Not that I’m going to give that up – just have to get and keep my partying self in better shape, for better stamina! 😀
One thing I’ve also noticed is that I’ve been making my heroines a little older than I used to, well, except for Marissa in Warrior’s Vengeance and the heroine(s) to come in the sequel/prequels, the time period kind of needs them to be fairly young. Not sure why my more modern heroines are older, and the really odd thing is I find myself feeling more maternal toward my heroines rather than identifying fully with them. It’s weird, how my perception of them has changed. There’s less of “me” in them than there used to be, and they have complete personalities of their own. Maybe I’ve finally gotten to be old enough that I realize that fairy-tale ending ain’t never gonna happen for me, so I’ll give it to them. Or maybe it’s that I’ve changed so much over the years that the parts of me that are in my heroines are not parts of me that are still relevant to me today.
Maybe I’m just getting better at compartmentalizing and sorting. Though I would rather have this skill applied to my home and office, rather than the emotional and rambling train of thoughts, thank you very much. I find plotting comes a little easier – is that because I’ve garnered enough knowledge in my advanced years to be able to make sense of things that I used to just wing without any sort of reasonable explanation? (Is that last sentence even grammatically correct?)
Anyway, a lot of this has come to me over the last couple of days, as I approach my day, realizing how short the span is separating me from that horrifying number and fighting it as hard as I can. But there are positives, especially when it comes to writing.
I’m better disciplined (though not by much), and I am honestly secure in knowing what I put into words is thousands and thousands of times better than what my first attempts look like. I’m good, damn it, and it may have taken a while to get to that point, but every minute, even the depressing I’m-giving-it-up-can’t-do-this-anymore ones, were worth it. I feel confident in giving advice and support to newer writers. I didn’t have that confidence for a loooong time. I feel like I know what I’m doing, more often than I feel like I don’t. Why the hell did it take so long to tip the scales the other way?
As for acknowledging today, I’m going to do my best to keep the day in general low-key, though I’m not past using it to my advantage when I need to. 😉 But I want it to be a regular day amidst the insanity of all the others. We’ll see how that pans out. Since everyone except me and the little guy have plans tomorrow, the odds of it being a quiet normal day are actually pretty good. I’m hoping, anyway!
And since it’s a birthday, it’s time for presents! I’ll give a few commenters a copy of any one of my titles, winners’ choice.